I didn't wear my brave face today :(

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I am not sure how or when it started happening. Sometime after 9/11 and my kids being born I grew a huge fear of flying. It hasn't gotten so bad that I refuse to fly but I gotta tell you I drink some liquor before my flight and my knuckles are usually pretty white holding on during the flight. Every bump, every rattle shakes my body and makes my heart pound. I wish I didn't have this fear. I feel like there are more things in life to worry about but at the particular time, it's all about the flight for me.
My flight was leaving today at 12:30. I have known for weeks I would be flying for this shoot. Something I should be looking forward to. I kept tossing the thought back in my mind, ignoring it. And yesterday approached so I started packing, and then thinking about the flight. I was trying to prepare myself for the flight. I arrived at the airport about 10:30. Walked to the ticket counter, paid my stupid $25.00 for my bag ( that is another story) and walked up the security. The line was long but I knew I had some time. Some man from Denver started a quick conversation with me while we waited. Even though my mind was only on my flight, don't really know what he was talking about. I couldn't focus on him. My whole body was tense but I was breathing through it.
I had about 1 hour until I left so I decided to plop down at the bar for a few drinks. I really don't drink much but felt like it would calm me down a bit.
30 minutes and 2 drinks later I decide to walk over to my gate. I knew I had about 15-20 minutes before we would board and take off so in my mind I had planned to sit down, call my husband, and pray a little for a safe flight.
I walked around the corner and saw they were already boarding, Omg, my plan? I can't call Mike, tense is stronger by now.
I look out the window and notice my flight is a little express jet, seats probably 50 people and my heart drops. I have prepared myself for weeks for a normal plane and now I get this piece of crap Barbie Jet.
I am in line, trying to breathe, approaching the Jetway. The lady hands me a valet ticket so I can check my camera bag. Um I am sorry, WHAT? We don't check our camera bags, they go safely with us on the plane, sit in a nice cushion overhead bin with our eyes on it at all times and this little lady wants some baggage handler to throw my bag in the underneath belly and I have to pray it won't get lost. Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God! The heart is really starting to pound.
As I walk down the Jetway I am thinking to myself I am still gonna find a spot on the plane for my bag. There is no way I will check this suitcase. I look down the aisle of this stupid Barbie Jet and realize the overhead bins are big enough to fit your Polly Pockets in. I turn around and reluctantly give my camera bag to the baggage handler. :( I grab my new camera with a thought that I will put it in my purse underneath me and at least I will have that, if anything else.
I slump to my tiny seat and realize I have 1D, front row which means I have no seat in front of me to put anything. I try and find a spot for my purse between my feet but of course they won't let me keep in at my feet and because the bins are all already taken in the tiny Barbie Jet, they throw my purse 2 rows back from me.
I am so freaking out by this point but trying to hold my composure. I am trying so hard to fight back tears but I feel them building. It's too much stress in a short amount of time on top of me not wanting to be on this flight in the first place. So I grab a magazine from my purse, my phone to text my husband and my camera which all has to sit on my lap. I text my husband really quick to tell him I love him and the kids, turn off my phone and the tears start rolling.
I am trying to look down, trying to act calm but my poor emotions have had enough and my blood pressure I am sure is through the roof.
I prayed very hard the entire flight, prayed for a safe flight, prayed they were taking care of my camera bag, prayed for good weather, and a good attitude.
The flight was decent until we started our decent and it got a little bumpy. I am sure to everyone else on the flight they thought nothing of it but for me it was many heart stops.
And within a few minutes we were safely on the ground and at the gate.
I was so excited that I was on the ground safe and sound. I thought about kissing the ground but knew that was probably too much. My blood pressure and heart had returned to normal.
It's amazing what fear does to you. Most people like to fly and might think I am over-reacting. I wish I didn't have that fear but I keep pushing forward and facing it. I know that if I let that get a hold of me it would keep me from so many wonderful things, like vacations, seeing the beauty of the world, shooting in different locations and just plain adventure.
So think about that when you have fear set in. Do what scares you just so you don't miss out on life.
I can laugh about now it and believe me I know I am crazy but I thank God I am on the ground tonight. I fly out tomorrow evening so pray for me and pray I don't have a stroke from my stress. :) Oh and pray I fly a normal size jet and there is plenty of room for my sweet little camera bag.